The following is an urgent public service announcement from the CWU Humanitarian department, represented by Manager Mr. Dr Teeth Sex.

We, the Humanitarian division of the Civil Workers Union, have discovered a new disease spreading through the sector. It is a large, spider-like parasite that infects the brain the likes of which has never been seen before. We have dubbed it the “Brain Spider”.

Pulsing or throbbing migraines

Auditory hallucinations of voices

Sensitivity to light

Mood swings, particularly unprovoked anger or violence

A single lump on the scalp

Muscle spasms or twitching

We have identified that the parasite is waterborne and infects a human host through water they drink or otherwise enters the body. Once inside, it reaches the brain by unknown means and begins growing its spider-like body. Infection can be avoided by not drinking, swimming in, bathing with unpurified water. Something as innocuous as a puddle of rain water could be harboring the parasite. There may be other mediums of infection besides water we have not yet identified.

Very little is known about the Brain Spider. What is known, besides this, is classified. But rest assured, the Humanitarian Department is hard at work getting to the bottom of it.

That being said, we are a bit understaffed. If you want to be involved in the research and treatment, you can join the CWU Humanitarian department by contacting me, Manager Mr. Dr. Teeth Sex, at SEVIN#3641, reaching out to any one of our managers, or by attending a CWU tryout.


-An update about Freedom News-
You may be wondering why I'm posting this article and not Fixer---the owner of Freedom News. I asked Fixer to have Freedom New to distribute this PSA, and he agreed. However, he was too busy to make the article himself, so he gave me permission to post this myself as Freedom News.

Fixer plains to continue making articles for Freedom News himself once he is no longer occupied with other matters.